Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
