the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Can I color on your dick again?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
