um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
