Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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