I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
