Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
