Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
