I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
