I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
