Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
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You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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