my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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