I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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