I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
two words: eviction party
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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