....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
