Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
