Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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