dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
