How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
