batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
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And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
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I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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