In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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