A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
