There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
