I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
