I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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