Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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