meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
