Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You should frame my arrest warrant.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
