We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
