My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
