So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
