yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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