I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
