also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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