we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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