This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he thought i was a dude.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
