I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
