I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
