dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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