he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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