I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
