I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
