walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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