if you like me you must not know who I am
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
