Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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