the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
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so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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