wake up i wanna do it froggy style
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
