I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
