even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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