There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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