I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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