Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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