The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
