he thought i was a dude.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
