I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
