Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
