he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
